I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
