doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
