My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
