I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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