Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
