I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I wish there were birth control emojis
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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