Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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