I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
