I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
