sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
