Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
