This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize