At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
there's paper in my vomit.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
