My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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