if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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