I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Is it penis luge time yet?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
