you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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