Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
