apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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