3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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