her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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