All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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