Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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