It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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