You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
