I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
