After last night, I could never be a politician.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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