the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
