I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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