Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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