I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
