yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
