R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
