1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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