watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
