Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
