I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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