Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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