people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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