Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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