I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
