He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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