Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
