the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
