these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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