my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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