I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
