i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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