sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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