Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
