not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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