did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
