Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
