You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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