He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
