i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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